Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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