cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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