halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
