dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If I die, sorry about rent.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
