this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
