I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
