I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
