We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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