I bet he comes in French.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
