how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
