omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The power of my boobs compel you
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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