New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
