i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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