So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
