I'm gonna have a badass scar
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
