and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
