get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
