I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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