the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
