i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
