I think my fart just growled at me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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