ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
