she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
