how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just had sex on a roof
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
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