sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
