I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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