im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
