Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
bring money and cleavage
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
