Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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