the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
