just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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