Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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