I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
