I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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