apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
