i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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