New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
