I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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