he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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