I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
