It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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