I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
