i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize