I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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