Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
