Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
