drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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