threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
