well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
