My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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