Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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