I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
