you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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