SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
