Have you finally orgasmed yet?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
